Divorced and Living!

Well - I am living and that is all I am doing. I have nothing to look forward to and I do hate my life. I have decided not to date again for life - I am done. I am not just saying that. I have never been liked by others and I am not sure as to why I am so hated. I give of my heart and soul - then people step on me. I have gone out to eat recently - since my body seems to be coming back online and working - I have had pee in a milk shake from Steak and Shake (still have it in my freezer) and was never waited on a the local Big Boy - it was 45 minutes later and the woman who was to wait on me put peoples finished on my table right in front of me. I about got sick! I left the resturant and told the manager who dismissed me. Then I went to Ryan's the other day and the food there was not edible - I told the manager at the end of my meal - I was hoping to find something on that buffet that I could praise as decent. The manager dismissed me and I will never eat there again.
I have lost over 100 pounds in less then 6 months - I stopped eating for 3 months except for a piece of bread here and there. I couldn't eat because everything looking bad to me. It all tasted bad and oily. My health is better but my depression is still bad - though I am suppose to be over it. Sad. I have to get over everything as soon as it happens because the only person I can talk to (my mom) just doesn't want me to feel it or have me talk about it. I don't know. I don't care anymore. Ordered pizza tonight. I hope it is good. Have a nice day.

DIVORCE DAY

Well my nerves are bad - very bad - I hope he isn't there and I hope I can get out of this with out feeling anything. I have stopped feeling sometime ago. I needed to - to live in this world that is consumed in the ME ME ME of it all. What I want and screw what you want. I might post tonight or not. I don't know yet. I hate me.

Divorce road is almost at its end!

On August 22 at 2:30 I will no longer be married. I will be no one again and I think it will stay that way. I decided to go back to the way I was before I met him. I will start collecting coins again and sell stuff on Ebay to go back to school eventually - I have been getting sick more often and I don't think I have very long to live anyways - I don't have medical insurance so I will never know what is wrong with me. I will just die and that will be it. I will wait for what I believe is cancer to take me. I have polycystic ovarian diease and well - that leads eventually to cancer if not treated. It is not being treated and when it was treated the last time - it was not treated right due to not having insurance. I hope to move to Canada and marry someone who is gay and get insurance and become a citizen of there. I can find out how far the cancer has gone. There isn't anything out there for you if your not the "RIGHT COLOR" and I mean if your WHITE your on your own. We don't have FREE testing or FREE medical care.
Even if I was to get medical insurance I would not quailfy for any treatment because it was before they would do anything I guess. PROFIT ABOVE PEOPLE - we can see that with the coal miners right now. Sad world.
Why do parents let the kids scream - I would be spanking them. I hate screaming kids - glad I was blessed with no abilty to have them.

SICK OF PEOPLE!

YOU KNOW - I DID IT AGAIN! - I AM BEGINNING UNDERSTAND THAT STATEMENT. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN AGAIN. NO MORE. PEOPLE NEED TO GIVE TO ME!!! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. PEOPLE HAVE HURT ME FOR THE LAST AND FINAL TIME. I GOT SOFT AND I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT ANYMORE. I WILL NOT BE SOFT AGAIN! I HAVE BECOME HARDCORE! IN ORDER TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD - YOU HAVE TO HURT OTHERS TO MAKE IT TO THE TOP. THE NAME OF THE GAME IS TAKE AND TAKE SOME MORE!! GOODBYE FOR A WHILE I THINK. I DON'T KNOW. YOU KNOW I DON'T REALLY CARE. YOU PEOPLE DON'T EVEN TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OR ANY IDEA OF WHAT TO DO.

GONE FISHING

WELL THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE RELAXING UNTIL EVERY TIME I THREW MY LINE OUT IT WAS TANGLED UP IN ITS SELF OR I LOSE THE BAIT AS I AM THROWING THE LINE OUT. YIPPY. WE HAD SOME STORMS FINALLY LAST NIGHT BUT THEY DID NOTHING FOR THE DROUGHT WE ARE IN. OH WELL. SO WHAT!
NO THERE ISN'T GLOBAL WARMING - IT IS ALWAYS 90 DEGREE'S HERE IN INDIANA!!! NO WE GO FOR LONG TIMES WITHOUT RAIN! NO WE ALWAYS HAVE BAD STORMS WHEN WE GET THEM! AGAIN WE ARE MISTREATING MORE THEN EACH OTHER BUT THE PLANET WE CALL HOME. THIS SOON WILL PROBABLY KILL MANY OF US. JUST HAVE TO LOOK BACK AT PAST DISASTERS. YOU KNOW IT IS FUNNY THAT WE HAVE AN ALMOST EXACT OR ROUND ABOUT TOTAL FOR THE TSUNAMI BUT WE STILL DON'T HAVE DEATH NUMBERS FOR KATRINA!!!! IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK THEM UP PLEASE DO SHARE.
I WANT EVERYONE OUT THERE TO WATCH THE MOVIE SICKO. YOU WILL SEE WHO REALLY IS WORKING FOR WHO WHEN YOU WATCH IT. IT IS SO SAD TO KNOW WE KILL OUR OWN JUST TO SAVE MONEY!!!! I KNOW I HAVE CRONIC CONDITIONS THAT IF I EVER GET INSURANCE THEY WILL NOT COVER PROBABLY. I AM ALSO OVERWEIGHT WHICH AGAIN THEY WILL NOT COVER ME - EVEN IF IT IS MEDICALLY MADE AS WITH POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN DIEASE. WHICH WILL CAUSE WONDERFUL THINGS LIKE CANCER OF THE OVARIES AND UTERIOUS! DIABETES (THAT IS NOT A IF BUT WHEN.) AND THE WEIGHT ISSUES! I HAVE LOW COLESTERAL AND LOW BLOOD SUGAR. I AM HEALTHY BUT BECAUSE I WEAR THIS SPARE TIRE YOU STUPIED PEOPLE KEEP WANTING ME TO LOSE WEIGHT. I CAN'T LOSE IT WITH THE CONDITION I HAVE.
I HAVE HAD A DOCTOR REFUSE TO TREAT ME BECAUSE OF MY WEIGHT - I HAD NOT LOSS ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CARE WHEN I AM DOUBLE OVER IN PAIN WITH A RUPTURED OVARIAN CYST!!!! I WASN'T THIN ENOUGH FOR HIM TO CONFIRM THAT I HAD A CYST RUPTURE AND GIVE ME SOME SORT OF PAIN MEDICATION. IF YOU LIVE IN ANDERSON YOU MIGHT WANT TO GO AWAY FROM GOING TO MOST OF THE OBGYNS HERE EXCEPT DR. CLARK (SHE IS STILL A GOOD DOCTOR BUT STILL WOULD NOT GIVE ME MY RECORDS WITH OUT CHARGING ME $50.00 FOR 10 COPIES)
I AM MOVING TO CANADA SOON - LIKE WITH IN FIVE YEARS. I WANT TO GIVE UP MY UNITED STATE CITIZENSHIP BECAUSE I FEEL VERY UNWELCOME HERE ANYMORE. IF YOU ARE NOT RICH OR HAVE A GOOD JOB (WHICH ONLY GO TO THE PERFECT PEOPLE AND MEN) YOU NEED NOT EXIST! PLEASE WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE PEOPLE WE WILL DIE HERE - PEOPLE ALREADY ARE!

I FILED FOR DIVORCE YESTERDAY!

I DID IT FINALLY! IT IS DONE. I JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR 60 DAYS! I WISH IT WAS SOONER THEN 60 DAYS AS IT SHOULD BE WITH TIME SERVED AFTER HE LEFT ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. I AM SURE I WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. I AM DONE WITH PEOPLE IN GENERAL. THEY ONLY CAUSE PAIN AND HURT TOWARD ME. THEY ALWAYS HAVE. I DON'T BREAK UP PEOPLE - THEY BREAK UP WITH ME. THEY HAVE ALWAYS BROKE UP WITH ME. USUALLY IN A BLAST OF CURSE WORDS AND YELLING. PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE ME. THEY USE ME AND GO. THEY TAKE MY FANS (REAL FANS NOT PEOPLE WHO LIKE YOU FANS) THEN WHAT EVER ELSE I HAVE GIVEN THEM AND GO. I ALWAYS RETURN WHAT THEY HAVE GIVEN ME BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN RAISED WITH MORALS AND CARING FOR OTHER PEOPLES STUFF.
THERE ISN'T A MAN OUT THERE THAT CAN REALLY SAY THEY CARE ABOUT OTHERS. THERE ISN'T A WOMAN EITHER. THAT IS THE WORLD WE LIVE IN. THE TRUTH DOES HURT BUT IT IS THE TRUTH. I AM NOT RELIGIOUS AND WILL NEVER BE BECAUSE I BLAME RELIGION FOR MUCH OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD.
GOODBYE FOR A WHILE. OR A COUPLE OF DAYS. I AM DEEPLY DEPRESSED BUT NOT LIKE I WAS. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE PEOPLE BUT MY WORDS. THOSE WORDS RIGHT NOW ARE FULL OF PAIN!!

I have checked around the web!

This world is getting sadder by the day. People stating they wish others would just die - when the camps open up you will see that we could be doing something about it now. I can Civil War happening right here in the United States!
Sad World!

I feel like I am numb

Just going through the motions -I feel like I am dieing on the inside. I offically don't have a reason to live. I have failed my life and there is no one out there for me. I would only be missed by my parents. If I had brothers or sisters I would have ended my pain a long time ago. I won't do it because I am a only child and I am my parent only hope.
I am going to reburn a bridge because that is what I have to do.

Good Morning!

Well I checked my mail and I got a summons to appear in court for long grass in my back yard. I have it mowed now but this is crap. They are going to inspect my yard again and if it is long then I am in trouble. The fee would be around $500.00 if I have a long yard! Thank god for the drought going on right now the grass is dying. I am going with a exboyfriend for a walk tommarow. He is gay so there isn't that wanting back or anything and we have found a deep friendship that has lasted since I was 13 years old. I am now 34. 21 years we have known each other and have been friends. Though we had downs in High School it rebuilt once he got out of school and away from my haters. He is going though a big deal trying to get disablity. State of Indiana doesn't want to pay it. I know of at least 10 people who are going though the same thing! I say if you can move to another state then go for it! Get the hell out of Indiana! Indiana Sucks!
Ebay finally reinstated my other account and now all is well in sales and I can continue to sell on ebay. YEPPY! I have to clean up this house before I piss myself off. It is so bad in here and I need to fix things to make it better. Clearing out things I won't use or need.
I am headed off to bed. Night night!

Well I just had something strange happen!

What is it right now with finding guys with the last name that has the word MAN in it. So far it has been Layman, Holeman and now Lehman. Was that like a funny ha ha or just strange! The first Man lived in Indianapolis. The second Man lives in Frankton. The third Man lives in IOWA! They are getting further away!!! This is so strange. They all have some sort of sexual thing with them too. Lay Leh Hole! Just too strange!
Don is a cutie but I don't think anything will happen because he is like over there and has no car. Like most of the guys I like they have no job - no car - no money. It will probably be a email thing and friend. Someone going though what I am I guess. So that makes me depressed again. Damn it and I was feeling so good!!!!!!
Chris was okay but he made his bed and needs to lay in the shit he caused. Stephen is an ass! John is nuts! Doug is a good guy but GAY! Bob diapeared with Stephen! Ron has 7 kids! Brian is lost to the world! Matt is married!
I....I am alone again....I hate this.

Hello - JUST SHOOT ME NOW!

As if anything else could happen - my ebay account was suspended due to $2.41 left in my other ebay account to be paid. Humm. This is so much fun! Yippy! You know if I thought it would make things better I would just disapear but I don't want to put my parents through that. I would just take my computer and go. Never to return but I love and respect my parents too much to do that plus I am the only child. I have a headache tonight and my mind is swirling to a point I can't even think. So just add this to the long list of shit I have gone through.
I have nothing for anyone to take. None of my stuff is worth anything so world you can stop trying to drive me nuts. I hate myself more and more each day. I feel like the world is after me and I can't do a damn thing about it. I hope who ever is reading my blogs will say something - anything. I don't care anymore. Just shoot me.

Cleaning up the house!

I just found a bunch of my exhusbands stuff mixed in with stuff I had in the walk in closet. I am not sure what to do with it but maybe toss it or sell it. He left me with all the bills so I might try to sell it. I am sitting here in pain again. I live in pain 24 hours a day. I have a feeling one day when the doctors can look past the weight they will see what is really wrong with me - you know - like cancer! I have heard that a lot of overweight people are never treated and just die and when they do a autopsy they find that they had cancer. If I find out that I have cancer I am going to Yellowknife NWT Canada and taking a long walk. I found a wonderful area to walk at and I would walk until I could not walk anymore. I would carry food with me and when it runs out then I will try to survive in the wilds and when that is done...then I am done. That would be a positive way to go for me. I loved it up there for some reason and that would be the best place for me to go.
I feel like I am about to scream from the pain I have.
I am headed to bed and will be asleep soon. When I sleep I feel no pain and I can live the way I did before my change. I can feel again but when I am awake I can't feel anymore. I feel dead on the inside like someone just needs to turn off the life support and let me rest. I won't do anything stupied - I just feel like that sometimes.
I guess what I am saying - I don't hate people but people hate me. No one cares and I know that now. Any man that can walk out on you on Christmas Morning and then another walks away because of a bad email - there just aren't men left here in this world. There isn't that lonely person out there that is looking though these - looking for someone special. I know what I have said - I plan on hurting someone - I don't and I wouldn't. I am not really that way but I will not be taken advantage of anymore. That I can promise. I want someone that is plus size (300 pounds or more) white age 30 -36 no children and if possible never been married only has had 3 or less sex partners and is well to do. I want you to have your own home and life. No debt or bills that need paid except for the common ones. I want you to pay for the first date and accept me for who I am and not ask me to change. Must like Star Trek, Roll Playing Games and collecting. I like travelling to Las Vegas and love playing slot machines. Must not be a heavy drinker - social on everything including smoking. Must not be a ex-con or have been in trouble with the law. Must not be a crazy nut and killer. (LOL)
Those are the things I am looking for in a perfect mate. Plus must be able to say I LOVE YOU quickly.
I know I will never find anyone like that ever because they just aren't out there. They don't exist. They don't want plus size women. They have money and they can have that thin woman that really won't accept them. They will tell them to get rid of their collections and everything they do is silly. Then they will start on thier weight and make fun of them for it. Then the woman will start an affair with the pool boy just because she really didn't marry him for him but his money. Then she will get half of his stuff in the divorce and he will be soured for the rest of his life. So if that is what you want then go for it but if you want a wonderful relationship that will last a life time then look over here.
That is just the way I feel today.

Tomarrow Came! Rage!

Well - I got a shout back on that letter I sent to my exboyfriend (Recent). He said he would be "FRIENDS - for what that is is worth." fuck that! I don't want to look at his ugly face. He made me the way I am right now. I might just let him know that via email back. He made me see the light of this world and being cruel is the way to go. The way to be in my life and the way to make things happen is the crush other people. No cares about you as a person only what you can give them. There is no investment in the heart anymore. That is why the divorce rates are so high - once the other fails somehow the other leaves. That is the name of the game - be perfect or lose. Perfect body, mind and soul. I have been trying to be perfect for years for everyone and everything, because I was not perfect in body - I had to be absolute in mind and soul. If I failed people would make fun of me over and over again. Drawing attention to my failure and loss. Telling me to get over it quickly and that has taken its toll. I got over losing my husband (ex to be) in less then three weeks because there wasn't anyone here to talk to about it and no one wanted to listen to it with out saying get over it and move on. This is a good thing or what ever. The same thing has happen all of my life so I have stopped feeling things completely and totally. I have never really gotten over anything because I carry it with me instead of letting my self feel it and then shead it over time. There is no time to feel or shead in my life. They are all knives in my heart and now I am going to place the same pain in other peoples hearts and souls.
No I am not going to be some crazy nut and do something stupied - which if I was reading these I would think...No way - I don't want that. I just want to hand back what was given to me to others. The looks and the speech. Nothing more. Not going to physically hurt anyone or anything. I am not that cruel but the words I will say will be just like being hurt that way. I was not expecting the pain handed to me by others and they will not expect this from me.
I don't think I will date again because now I really can't trust anyone and with the rage I feel - in turn - I really don't want to hurt anyone because it would hurt me more then you will ever now. I just have stopped talking to people in general and that is a good thing but if you screw with me I will slap you back with words. I am done being the nice person and not I am going to be the person others created. The evil is screaming out and I no longer want to hold it in. I am raging against the night.

Have you ever ripped someone's heart out!

I want to know how this feels like to rip out someone heart and then just look at them with a smile. To have no feelings for that other person, watching them cry and beg for you back. I want to feel that so bad. I want to see what my silly face looked like and know I will never do that again. I want to lead someone on and make them feel all wonderful then I want to pull the floor out from under them, to watch them cry and hurt. I want to crush others and make them feel what I have felt all my life. I am not going to put up with any shit from no one. You feel the need to talk down to me - I will simply leave you standing there with your word or I will turn around and slap you. You pick!
You decided to show up late then it is over and I will never speak you again. You need to be perfect to me because I was always expected of me. I had to be perfect for everyone! I now expect that from others. There is no messing up around me, or you will gone out of my life. I don't need imperfect people around me.
If anyone else would have done what I did, the person would have stayed. Hell people kill others and they spouse still stays. Yet I screw up and say somethings in a email or decide to go to school or breath wrong and the person will be gone with letter's saying that they never really loved me and they never did care about me. I am not taking that anymore and I am returning what has been given me. I am going to speak my mind for now on. No one can take that away from me!
I feel nothing in my heart or soul. I live day to day - just existing. If I make others hurt then they will feel the same way I do. That would be nice to see people hurting and being hurt. That is the in thing to do now. I can't wait to laugh at the losers and tear them down.
I hate people and hope if there is a hell you all will go to it.
No - I am not some crazy person, just someone that doesn't care anymore.

I hate people!

If you are working at out in the public you are here to serve me. You don't have the right to drop my mail on the floor, give me lip about how your day is going or most of all tell me you don't have time for me to answer a question. I will walk out of your store never to return. This is your job! You serve me and if you don't you might not have a job for long.
I wonder when they are going to send people to camps and start the fires again. If you drink, smoke or are overweight youare made to feel like your nothing. This has to stop or we will follow what happen in Germany.
I have changed from being a wonderful, caring person to being what everyone else is - hateful, uncaring and I enjoy making fun of people now. These smart ass bitches that think their pussy is all that had better watch out and the men who think only sluty skinny women need apply can all go to hell.

Well I am burning my bridges.

I love doing that. I just sent my last letter to my exboyfriend (the recent one) and I hope it bothers him a little. I am changing the way you find this blog on the web so he can not read the blogs anymore. Giggle Giggle. That is all I have to say. I have flcked the match and now the bridge is burning.

Going POSTAL!

Well today I was to mail off some of my ebay stuff and well it didn't go very well. I went to the post office and there was no one there in line. I had a lot of items to mail off and was happy to know I wasn't going to keep someone wanting to by one stamp while I mailed 7 packages. The lady motioned me to come forward by saying "Next" then she said she didn't have time for me because she was about to leave for the day after she accepted me as a customer. So she moved me down to the next teller. These two tellers, the last time I was in there, couldn't keep from talking to each other about things that don't concern work. She was more worried about talking to him then doing her job. The teller didn't know the woman behind me was my mother, the teller stated "She has an attitude!" Wouldn't you have a slight attitude after all of that? My mother stood up for me and said that, "She is tired and not an attitude!", she said back to her. The lady said that she was working off the clock and had to leave at 6 o'clock. My mom reminded her that it was her job to serve me. She left and called my mom under her voice a bitch I think. I moved from the teller I was at because he was more interested in talking about me and to the other teller. The guy on the end had an attitude with me by saying that he had to get something signed and left then the guy in the middle left the room too. They had it out for me and my mother and we came in happy! I reported them and I will let you guys know what is going on with that. If I had the money and the time I would sue them for refusal of service when I did nothing wrong.
See, THIS IS WHY I HATE PEOPLE. I did nothing wrong and well this is what happens. No one wants to talk to me normally or even look at me with respect. I look good and wonderful. Yet people feel the need to hurt me no matter what I do. I talked to one of my past teachers that I am working with that if I was any one else right now I would be standing on some window ledge thinking about jumping but I keep going because I have too. I have no children but I have a great family okay maybe just great parents and I am their only child - so there isn't any second chance to see another kid do okay. I wouldn't do that anyways.
I hope one day all the people that have hurt me go to hell!

Well I Wonder!

What my ex boyfriend is doing this weekend. Not the one that I went out to get a pop with last night but that one that had a break down two weeks ago. He said that he is simple...simply lost his mind. Set is his ways....in other words selfish! Probably watching movies all weekend long. Losing himself in the movie because that is all he has anymore. He has lost everything...hold it he threw it away. He did the, "I am so depressed and I push people away." thing. I am sorry if you are telling people that they are nothing to you. You did more then push them away.
He is the main reason why I hate people now. The one before him didn't help. The one before that set my mind on the road. I realized that last night. I felt like just getting up and leaving the Arby's because he was just not my cup of tea anymore. I am suprised that he was ever my cup of tea. I don't trust him or believe a word he says. I won't be going out with him again for nothing. It was awful but I felt because I was with him for 9 years that well - I owed him the ear to listen.
I am doing okay on ebay and I am very happy about that. I found money in another account that I didn't know I had. That made my day. Thing are going better but there is still a long way to go to be at normal. I still hate people but my mother doesn't realize because of lack of outside support (Friends) I use the boyfriend as support for my confinence and well being. I am not going to date or be with any one ever again. I just don't like hearing my mother say you can't go back with someone and you don't need anyone or what not. That probably isn't what she means but after 34 years of not having a friends that has gotten too me. I know when I didn't have anyone I had money and went places and even did things but they were all by myself. No one but myself to say do you remember when all that happen and what we did. When there was never a we in my life. At least not one that stayed except for family and people wonder why I bring up things all the time that happen in the past. These are my "WE" memories and I like hearing them again.
When I was in school I lost my first "WE" when two sluts decided they wanted control of the group of boys that liked me and not in that way. I enjoyed hearing them joke about dirty stuff and talk about band stuff. When I lost them my Junior year I never got them back in anyway for form. I almost quit band because of it but because I have trouble completing thing I stayed only have the dashed when we didn't go to state finals my senior year that has caused me to never complete anything and when I do complete things it is never the way I wanted to complete them. Things in my life that no one understands or wants to understand have messed me up.
Hearing most of my life the negatives of sex didn't help either and recently I was some how freed of that and hope to keep it that way. That is all I am going to say about that because I have let it go since I got my freedom from it. No I am not a (bad spelling ahead) nepho or what ever you call a sex addict. I think I have just become normal - no longer afraid to feel good or ashmed to have an orgasum by any means. I though am starting to back track with my feelings toward people in general and probably will be right back where I was before. I hate it but you know the more I go back to the neutral me the better my future alone will be. No one wants to be with me and you know I don't want to be with them either. I am for me anymore and screw everyone else except my parents. I respect them and love them. They are my only friends and that is okay. I feel like because of them being my only friends that I have some how failed them. I am independed and have always felt like I couldn't ask others for help. They would not help me anyways - and they would turn to ask me for help with problems.
Well I am done for today and I am depressed. You have probably asked yourself why should I read these stupied blogs if you hate us. Maybe I can teach you something about yourself and you will in turn see the person you quietly make fun of and be little as human with feelings. You seek to learn more from them and get closer and stop your attacks on them just because they are different from you. It just takes one person to open the eyes of many people. It take one to say enough to make things change for that one person. If someone would have cared about the guys from VT, CHS and many other events that took place recently maybe those events wouldn't have taken place. You can only make fun of someone for so long before they snap. I would never snap now because I don't talk to the ones that make fun of me. They are nothing but garbage and if they will do that then what are the truily capable of. If we would have done something for them and not made them feel like they were breaking they law when they acted out before the big event then many things like that would never happen.
I think it is funny - When I was in third grade (1984) I took 3 very sharp chinnese stars with me to school. The kids would bring in lids from can's to throw at a board. I threw my stars at a wood board. Now we would all be arrested and expelled from school with a juvenile record to boot for having that at school. Now students are expelled for having a play gun on a key chain at school. Zero Tolerance is 100% Crazy!
I hate people - Do you wonder why?

Well - Good Movie and Bad Idea!

I did a bad thing but not that bad. My exboyfriend from 7 years ago called my mom and he wanted me to call him to talk. His grandmother was in the hospital and she is back home now. There was alot of issues going on his life and needed to talk to someone. We didn't do anything but I just hope I didn't start anything because it took meeting him for a pop to know that I don't ever want to go back with him. We hugged good bye and he kissed me on the cheek. Like I said nothing big and it was no big deal. He just kept wanting me to leave that door open and I kept closing it. I want to keep it closed forever. I don't mind being a friend but nothing more.
I just saw a very good movie - Tipping the Velvet - I rented it in all places the porn shop when it was produced by the BBC as a three part series. It was really a wonderful story and even if your not lesbian, you would love it. It has a wonderful love story and just makes you feel good on the inside. I hope to read the book that the series was based on. Yep I know now what "Tipping the Velvet" means. I would not mind adding this to my movie library. I am going to recommend this movie to people. It is so good.
Well. Nothing has changed on the people front. I still hate them. LOL
Storms on the way! YIPPY!

Divorce is on the road!

Me and my mother went up and got the paperwork for the divorce. I have to put an AD in the newspaper because we can't find my ex-husband (to-be). He left town on Christmas Morning. So I have no idea what is going on with that or him. We are going to turn in the paperwork on Monday and it will be at the end of summer and I will be divorced. That is a word I never thought I would ever say - I am divorced. I was always first in my family for everything. I would be the first to divorce. My cousin that lives in Illinois got a divorce a long time ago but I never talk to her but in my main family close family - I will be the first. I was the first to get my ears pierced then piered again! Then pierced way too many too many times. I think at one time I had 12 piercings in one ear alone. I am thinking about doing it again though.
I still hate people in general - I don't have friends and you know I am glad I don't. I have never had a friend give to me. I do all the giving and they just do all the taking, until you can't do anymore giving and then they just leave. Like everyone in my life except my family have left me. I don't do anything to cause it except care to a fault.
I hate people who seek reaperations from the children of the monsters that did something bad. The children had nothing to do with it. I would be like condeming the child of a murderer or rapist. They had nothing to do with it. Now we get on to another subject of Abortion. I believe in the womans right to have one but...BUT...up to 3 months in. After that then adoption is the way to go. You have a small window to complete it. I love watching these stuped woman who say - "All life is to be born no mater what..." You would almost hope they are raped by their father, uncle or even brother...Then get pregnant - would they say the same thing. They have become evil to us for abortion rights calling us names. I have a wish for them - they be gang raped over a five day period of time. Then are told because you no longer have a right to clean your self of the horror of that rape because they took away that right. Just to see those woman collaspe would be revenge enough. To know they had lost a right to control thier own bodies. The back ally abortions will start up again and it will come full circle. The RR (Religious Right) has to go because they are just as bad a the SS.
Everyone has the RIGHT to smoke, drink, be overweight or rail thin, be ugly or beautiful, tall or short, satan worshiper or god worshiper or any other being you want to prey to or not, travel without passport or ID, Vote, Be a woman or man or trans, Be gay, straight or bi, White, black or purple - any color you can dream of, tattooed or not, pierced or not, hair or no hair, teeth or no teeth --- Lets stop hurting each other and accept everybody and everything. You don't have to love it or even like it - just live with it. Don't make fun of it or belittle it! Just melt with the others! We were called the melting pot for a long time and now we are none of the above. We don't help our own anymore, we help and give to other nations - we will call them friends - now we are in trouble - they now hate us! Hummm. See it even happens on a large scale. Yet I agree with the reason why they hate us!
Happy days will never be here again! Nothing is ever going to be the same. I hate people.

THE RAIN CAME TODAY!

It is about time. It was enough to make it wet but the grass is still turning yellow which is good because I have not been able to get out in the back yard to mow. It is about a foot tall back there. I have been thinking about my relationships in the recent past and you know I didn't do anything wrong. I was the good one in the relationship and they just threw it away. I had a girl I knew in Muncie (I can't say friend) everytime I would ask for her option she would want me to tell her that she is medically okay. She has wanted to get pregnant for a while now and I hate to say to her that her clock has almost runned out like mine. She is way too thin (87 pounds most of the time) and has a family history of these issues. I just have Polycystic Ovarian Diease - which has two extremes - one is you become atheltic and are extremely thin - the other is what I have I have the "Weight Issue" that makes it hard to lose weight because of hormonal imbalances and high testoserone levels giving me the hair issues. People still look at me and tell me just eat less - there has been days I have gone with out eatting (manly because of depression) and then when I start to eat I eat a sandwich and that will be it for another couple of day. I do drink pop during that time so I am getting calories but I should be thinner then what I am. I wrote down once for the doctor for a month what I ate. He was hoping to tell me to cut out things or not eat as much and he told me to eat more and I would lose weight? Does that make any sense to you? I love how they treat a hypoglycemic person (That is someone who has low blood sugar.) by putting them on a low carb (sugar) diet. Umm if a person has low blood sugar and you take them off of sugar - isn't that a bad thing? I consume sugar to stay awake otherwise my sugar tanks. I did a glucose tolerance test...If I could have the drink they gave me here - I will be able to function. It was this orange stuff that instantly make me feel better - better then I have my whole life. Also they had to do the test four times - I had to consume the liquid each time for it to finally show up in my system. They said most only have to drink it once or twice but not this much. I wasn't able to function just before taking the first dose of the mixture. If that says anything.
I still hate people in general because they are all users - they use you up and spit you out with out thinking. I hope to one day take advantage of someone like they have me. I hope to have them hurt like I have. I hope to crush others like they have crushed me. Men are nothing but little boys that are in search of someplace to put their dicks and nothing else. Woman you are nothing but a jack off machine. That is why they don't notice when you have done something to you hair, dressed different or anything else you have done. They just want to know when dinner is and when your going to do them. If you happen to like the same things they do great otherwise - you only exist for one thing and one think only - to be a sex toy! Otherwise they are gay! They want women to have little boy figures and be able to do it with every hole they got. If they can do that then you will have that man for life or until the next piece of ass comes along that had do it even better and is even younger.
You know since 2001 I have not taken a vacation vacation. Before the year 2000 I took trips every year but now you can afford to go anywhere. Gas is outragious and you pick to stay at home just like they want you too. If you can't go anywhere and do anything - the your not a threat to them. You can't smoke or drink. Your civil liberties are going and soon will be gone. They are on fat people to get thin. Smokers to quit. Drinkers to not drink. Everything you do that is fun will kill you. I am about to run for office. The Jaysha's Freedom Party. Abortion is a choice, being gay is cool with everyone. Legalize Pot! Make people around the world love us again! Lower the cost of Passports since we have to own one to leave the country. This world has gone to hell. It is because people have stopped caring about the person next to them. If we would tell big business to go to hell along with them shipping our jobs overseas. This guy came on TV and said if he would give $20.00 hour to pick onions in his field the jobs would still go unfilled. I would go pick onions for $20.00 just tell me where to go and I will start picking along with hundreds of out of work people. You don't even have to do the health care - we can afford to pay for it ourselves though it would be nice. The guy said then he pays $8.00 hour - guess what we won't do it for that. Some of would because we can't get work any place else.
Have a wonderful day!

I have had some time to cool off!

I feel better today then I did a couple of days ago. I have been staying up all night and putting stuff on Ebay. So I can eat and pay bills. I saw my exhusband and his new girl friend pull up in a red car. He was telling her something as she looked at my house. He looked like he was about 200 pounds heavier. Probably still eating things right out of cans. He has a food fetish - it is his only true friend. Ha ha! Fat ASS!
We are suppose to get storms tonight or today as it maybe. I can't wait to hear thunder again. I can smell smoke from a cigarette. I think my neighbor goes out at night and smokes because I can smell it every once in a while.
I had a strange dream today (the reason why I say today is because I have chosen to sleep all day) I was the medium from my grandfather on my dad's side came in the form of three people - the younger, the middle and the older, to talk to my grandmother. I put both their hands together with a blue ticket (like the ones you get at a fair or something) she said she could feel something or him. You know how dreams are. The ticket hovered above her hand. My Aunt who was there left the room with my cousin. My father wanted to know a couple of things so I was playing medium for the whole thing. Then I went out - earlier in the dream my cousin annouced she and her husband were going to try to get pregnant again. While out in the garage, where they went - they were putting together 2 big chairs. My aunt thought I was a joke and my cousin was keeping to herself. My grandfather wanted me to tell her that she shouldn't have another child but wouldn't tell me why. I passed on the message. My grandfather had chinesses looks about him and I wonder if in his history there wasn't a chinesse blood line that came in to play. I have no idea but it may just be a look.
I still feel like people can go to hell and I will never trust anyone else ever again. It doesn't take much now to make a couple of decision in my mind come true. If you feel like your a good person and loves everybody - ask your self this question - can you like someone that is overweight with out wanting to put them on a diet - can you like someone who smokes - who drinks - who is of a different religion - gay - or even a different race. If you say no to any one of those questions then you are just a shallow human that follows the leader instead of taking the lead or being outside the box.
If you younger farts - out of the box means thinking for yourself, doing for yourself and not staying in the lines. You are your own person and have a imagination (something that was taken from you when you went to school.) You have been scared in to following the rules and not creating anything for yourself. I don't see very many new inventions coming from your generation.
I am watching a show about new houses and they have gone back to the 1970s in the way they do things. I guess that was the last generation that had brains, I don't know. Sad stuff!

Well Shoot!

Even if I wanted to go back with my ex's I couldn't or I would forever lose my mom. I pick having mom in my life and not the garbage that used me. That wasn't a hard choice to make. I am making one more thing final too. I am saving up my money and I am going to have that surgery I spoke about earlier in my blogs. If I am not going to use it and in the case of women it causes more cancer and problems then it is worth having. I am happy now being alone and I really don't need anyone ever again. I have me and that is good enough.
Unlike what is believed people think it is all sex - I don't even like sex but I can't explain that. It is nice but it isn't anything important to me. Not anymore and not ever again. I have zero sex drive because everytime I get to feeling good about it - thoughts hit me or things happen and I am back to square one. I am serious when I say - I am done with people. They are all users and takers. They always want something from you and never give back. That includes in the bedroom. People are jokes and they are just not that funny anymore. I hate everyone but people in my family - They don't take from me or use me.
If you need a fan to cool off - I will never give you one again.
If you can't pay for something - then tough shit - you will pay one way or another.
If you want a keyboard - you can kiss my ass.
If you want me to come someplace - you had better pick up my ass.
I am just not doing it anymore. I don't care about other people anymore. I hate everyone but like I said people in my family and I love them. This world can just go to hell and kiss my ass!

One day at a time!

I had my hair done today. I am now all curly! It looks good and I like it. I like kinky curls most people don't. I watched a couple of movies this past couple of days and I think I needed a good laugh. I like my funny movies because that gives me a reason to laugh when everything else is going to bad.
I feel I don't want my ex back but I also feel the need to set the record stright - letting him know that what he did was wrong on so many levels - It was like everything he could not say to his ex wife when she left he felt the need to do to me. The person who did nothing but care for him and give to him.
If his mother ever knew what he said to me, I am sure she would be ashmed of him. I felt like she was like my mother and this would have shocked her to her core knowing what he said. People say things when they get upset but they don't tear the other person down - like I also said - I could not bring myself to read the whole letter - I zeroed in on words that stood out. She didn't raise him like that, he was raised with moral and a happy family atmostphere - not the garbage I saw.
I looked at what I said - I didn't say anything bad just wanting to know where I stood. I never directed painful words at him. I am glad it is over because what I know now I would have had walk on egg shells in the future!
The lesson learned from all this - Never trust anyone ever again! People don't care! People are takers and never give back! Love is just a word without meaning! Men lie! Never believe promises! No one will support you because they just don't care!
I am not going to date or meet anyone - even if they ask - I don't need people because people in my age range enjoy hurting others and taking others for a ride. They don't know how to give and love others. They don't even know if they can feel love! They are shallow and worthless to me. I am going to be writing a book and don't need a muse to keep me happy! I will never make love or have sex again. After all that happen I am not going to open myself up again to be hurt. If I could I would have my breast removed and things sewed up and taken out. I have no need for it so why have it! RIGHT!
I am in about five years - this is around and about time not exact - I am moveing to Yellowknife. I like it up there and I know I would be accepted there easier because there just isn't that many people to talk to. I probably won't talk to others anyways but it would be nice to know that I could if I want. People around here don't want me as a friend - not from the lack of trying - but I am not going to pay for friends anymore. I did that in the past - I think? I will never do that again - people will have to buy my friendship for a while.
I guess you can call that my life right now. I can't take another bad thing happening before I lose it. My cats are pushing it by breaking plates on my counters by pushing them off on to the floor. Then they puke and piss everywhere! I found they have worms! Yippy! Like I said - I can't take much more before I just lose it. I feel like I already have - I might get over things easily or give the appearence of it - but it is taking a toll and a bad toll on my heart. I feel like right now I can't feel for anything - I can laugh at movies but today I noticed that I don't talk with in a group of people. Family people. I just sit there!
Well I have rambled on enough and have told what too much! I feel like when I send my words out on to the web at least someone looks at them. Maybe not someone who cares but someone looks and maybe reads these. Someone is listening.

Storms

Well - it looks like those storms never came. It is getting warmer though. It has gone back up to 74 degrees at 1:16 in the morning. That is warm. I hope my ex is sleeping well tonight, I am sleeping good tonight because I know tommarow the storms will be here. They are what I live for the most. I love my weather things. I love hearing thunder in the middle of winter during a snow storm. I wonder if there will ever be a snow tornado. I should go look it up.
Well, I am headed to bed, to listen to the rain hit the window outside. To hear the crackle of lightning and the rumble of thunder. You know the weather doesn't reject you but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I can handle things just not happening but rejection after kindness, is something only monsters do. They leark in the shadows waiting until you are not expecting it - then they jump. They jump and tell you things you can't believe, things they said they would never do. The lies! I trust no one! I have lost all trust in people because of the last two people I have been with. They lied through their teeth to me! They slithered in and wrapped around me then zero in for the kill. What is wrong with me that people feel they can do this! I am no longer going to care for others because I know no one cares for me. I will become what they are and hurt them before they have a chance to rip my heart out again. I will become that monster to survive, because that is all that is out there. Users and monsters! I found both!

It is a wet day!

This day is overcast and looks like it is going to be a wet day, but sometimes when it is like this you get the really bad storms. Last night was spent running up and down steps to place bets and get food for people that went with me last night. I was glad to have them there and didn't mind doing it. (Yet last night was going to be my let your hair down night, but I was glad that grandma and her husband got out of the house.) I was thinking about going again tonight but no - I won't because they are already paying my bills though - I would do just the .10 trafects and eat Chinese. I noticed that they had that there. That sounds like good fun. But I can't. I am not allowed because they are helping me out on bills and it would just not be right to do so. Well this is all I am going to write today I think.
You know I remember something my ex said that his daughter was worried when she got in to trouble at school and she wrote him a note and was crying because she was worried about what dad would say. That statement reminds me of what happen Monday - a loved one me (at least I thought until he set that straight.) so worry about losing him. I wonder what would have happen if mom wasn't around. Would he had yelled at her or something. He isn't like what he was on Monday, but I did feel like his daughter though. Worry about what he would say! What he would do! Now I know... He said you don't know the real me and once you do you will hate me like everyone else. I don't hate you and think you need help. You didn't push me away - you just put up your shields and went in to Red Alert mode. Protect myself and don't let other walk on me. When again that isn't what I was doing! You figure strike first ask questions later and if later never comes it just proves my statement. You said also that your an Asshole. Humm. I don't think you are! I think your misunderstood but it is a little hard to believe that now after Monday. I don't know nor do i care anymore. Like you said - I have never cared about you. Dido! (now)

Just got back from horse racing!

It was different and I enjoyed it. I have been before but I think I am hooked on Exacta at .10 cents a pop. I think I might just start doing those for now on. They have $1.00 Fridays and that was what I planned on doing with my now ex this weekend. I figure it would be fun but I got to go out with family instead. It was fun and I thank them for coming. My mom got a ticket for not wearing her seat belt. $25.00. You know my family has had so much bad luck. I wish it would just stop. I can't take it anymore. I had a wonderful time but you know I wish Mondays would never have been and I could have been with my ex, but that is all water under the bridge and you know - after everything is said and done - I might just be better off.
I am going to go on to bed, well that is where I have been typing all this stuff from, anyways.
Why did God make me a nice person? Why can't I find someone just as nice? Why are people who you love turn on a dime and hurt you and then hate you? Why is it I can't complete anything in my life? Why?
Well, I hope the ex enjoy's the two fans, two books and the bowl!

Storm on its way!

I love thunderstorms and tornado's. I don't really want anyone but if I was they would have to be interested in storm chasing! I am not smart in Math so I couldn't do this for a living like I wanted. I couldn't over come the math issue because most instructors in math love to go fast and not explain why something is they way it is. If fact I don't think any of them know why something is the way it is. LOl
I feel like sometimes I can control the wind. Especially when I was a kid, if felt like I could close my eye and feel the emotion of the wind. I could make it blow harder and then be still. I feel attached to the weather and that is what I live for during the spring. I love hearing about bad weather and storms, I like hearing the local emergency alarm go off and screaming out that there is a storm on its way.
I have no basement so when that happens I just get all gitty and some what scared but I enjoy it greatly. If I am by myself it is different then if I am with other people. That motherly thoughts kick in and I want to protect everyone. I love those people who say "What am I going to do about it!' and they just stand around waiting for doom. They don't worry and that upsets me so much. Like I am feeling my stress level going up and they just sit there not doing anything.
I am going to the horse track tonight for the first time in years. They are having a dollar night! $1 on Admission, hot dogs, beer, bets! I am going to try to have some money for this but I just don't know if I am going to have it.
Well - Hope the best for everyone out there. Read my poems! They are good and my story too. Enjoy!
Ta Ta!

It is a NEW DAY for me!

I am free again! Something I didn't think I would like but one day after the break-up I feel so much better. I am not tied to the computer and I can go and come and not have to write about it to them. I know I was used, that was writen in blood a couple of days ago. His words went from wonderful and loving to hateful and degrading. Why is it after I have been so nice to that person, except for a few bad emails on Monday, they had to rip me a new asshole. I know he said he had no one else but you know I feel that was a lie. I don't know what the truth ever was in this relationship. If you could go from saying you love someone to hating them in the same breath. I believe this person needs help and quickly before he hurts someone like he hurt me.
I, when I said something, didn't know it was his daughter birthday weekend - I thought it was on Sunday of this coming weekend. I just wondered where all the money went that was all. When he told me, I was like, okay but then he kept going and going. I didn't read his letters completily - I couldn't and wouldn't! So I brought up some things I shouldn't have with a meal we had at a local place. His meal was $18.00 which he paid for. Mine was $6.00 which I paid for. Then he left a $5.00 tip after saying he didn't think he could pay for mine. Any woman would be upset, I think but I kept it to myself. He did make up for it though with pay for a lot of stuff after that. I wouldn't have cared if he would have left less of a tip. It doesn't matter now and it was just the reason he needed to leave. To go like my ex-husband did. Like what we talked about in many conversations. He didn't leave like a man when all my letters after that were trying to make up for some Ooops stuff I did. He left like a monster and evil man.
Well if this would cause him to leave - I wonder what would have had happen if we had a face to face fight. Would he hit me! I wonder now! I wonder if that is why his wife left, was because he hit her or something. I don't think so but with the words this man or should I say child wrote to me, it makes me wonder. His words were like fist, beating me and hurting me.
Just a day after I am recovering nicely. I have blocked email and IMs. I have sent back all of his stuff. It was cheaper then taking it to him and droping it off. (Gas $3.65 gal.) I am free of him and he is free of me.
If you are reading this, my dear, I really think you need to get help. In all directions with medical for your leg and heart issues. For your mind with depression and Bi-polar issues. You have to know clearly have a bi-polar personality when you in a letter at 10 am you write - I miss you and love you and then at NOON you tell me to F-off. Please for your daughter and parents take the money you would have spent eating fast food and watching movies - take that and go get some help.
Well - this is my new day and well - it is going to be good.
I am no longer looking for a relationship of any kind because the men out there just are not right anymore. They don't respect women, care for women or support women. They are little man children - they collect toys, play video games and sit on their butts wanting you to serve them. They say they want to help you but then they just sit there doing nothing. They don't know how to keep a job or keep money in thier pockets to pay for expenses. They just want you to do all the work and make them look good. You can support them in what ever they want and as I found out that isn't enough. I don't want women either - they are catty. Also if your not thin both men and women don't even give you a second look. Well the hell with all of you. I don't need any of it.
The perfect guy for me was - Overweight, lives near, has a very good job, has an education, gentle and kind hearted, age 30+ but not over 42, not a whole lot of sex partners, would never hit a women, will not use people, will pay for the date (this doesn't have to be all the time but it would be nice), like to play Roll Playing Games like D&D on the computer, can accept anything and just love me for everything I am and support me for the future like I would be doing for them. Looks are not important. I like tattoos but not that many. Look at me like I am trying to pick up someone. LOL
Well I am going to let this post go out there and I am just going to sit here and see if anyone writes. I am sure that no one will. Though I would like to thank the one comment on Walls. Thank you.
Ta Ta!

Walls

Looking at wall one,
knowing it has no eyes.
It can't see my sadness.
Looking at wall two,
knowing it has no ears.
It can't hear me cry out.
Looking at wall three,
knowing it has no nose.
It can't smell me rotting.
Looking at wall four,
knowing that it has no heart.
It doesn't love me.
Looking at my self,
knowing I have fallen a part.
It is okay with me.

GOT GAS!

WORLD GASOLINE PRICES

Gas prices on April 17 or 18. Data for EU countries were provided by the AA Motoring Trust. Prices are listed in U.S. dollars

United Kingdom $8.37

Netherlands $7.52

Norway $7.33

Belgium $6.95

Denmark $6.95

Germany $6.72

Portugal $6.65

Finland $6.57

France $6.50

Sweden $6.50

Hungary $5.63

Poland $5.63

Slovakia $5.59

Austria $5.40

Ireland $5.40

Slovenia $5.36

Switzerland $5.17

Spain $5.14

Czech Republic $5.10

Greece $4.91

Italy $4.80

Lithuania $4.72

Latvia $4.61

Estonia $4.30

Luxembourg $4.27

Japan $4.16

United States $3.49

Kazakhstan $2.75

Russia $2.68

Mexico $2.38

China $2.19

Nigeria $1.92

Saudi Arabia $0.45

Venezuela $0.19

What do all the high price contries have in common? They are all small countries and travel distances are not that great. A tank of gas would last for days where here in America everything is spread out and we had a larger distances to travel. So when you look at the higher gas prices in other areas - you need to look at the fact they have small area of travel and most of them have a large amount of public transportation that we do not have here in America.
Also have you noticed that oil companies haven't spouted in a long time about profits! Those profits being in hitting the $20 Billion (with a B) mark each alone. The back lash started to bring the gas prices down as far as $1.99 a gallon.
Do we remember the good old days when GAS was less then .99 cents a gallon...oh yeah that is before our ex-oil barron president took charge. You know the one with very close ties to oil nations and took us to war for oil!
Why don't we go down to Venezuela and get some gas from there! Oh yeah they offered but we refused and of course that upset their president! Hummm!
Also what does natural gas have to do with the price of oil! It is natural gas that come from a completily different sorce then gasoline! But that didn't stop them from raising it high enough that you had to chose between being warm and eating for that month.
My natural gas bill went from $34.00 a month to $187.00 in less then two years. Also what does Electricity have to do with gas or natural gas! NOTHING! It is fuel by coal! Again something totally different then gas or natural gas! I guess right now until people begin to get smart you will be driven in to the poor with rose color glasses on!

How to do this is everyone take one or two extra gallons of the liquid gold and put it away every couple of weeks or when you fill up for the week or day. We keep a store of the gold for future use in the form of a boycott! We would boycott for a whole week! Everybody takes their vacation at home that week so they don't have to go any where. People just stop buying gas if they can for the whole week. This might stop! This could stop! The would stop! Anything at this point will help! As long as they are making a profit and your ass is getting gapped they go don't care!

WAKE UP AMERICA!

Rated "R" for Smoking! Drinking! Obese People! Gay! Lesbian! Non-Christian!

Think about it like this:

ALICE IN WONDERLAND!

You have a smoking Walrus and Worm!
The Walrus is overweight!
I wonder about the relationship with the Walrus and the other character!
There is some drinking in the movie and in the original book, it was more then just a children’s book.
There were drug references in the original book and the story is about a trip taken while on opium as added later by the author.

So would ALICE IN WONDERLAND now be Rated "R"!

You tell me!!!

Losing freedom of expression is the first step - then comes the gas chambers!

Well - I am kicked out!

I got a C on the Elizabeth and me story and she gave me a D+ for the semester. I have to go fight them to get some grade kicked out from last semester due to illness. Tell me if "C" is where that story belongs for a 200 level class!
Thanks!
J

Elizabeth and Me - Story for Non-Fiction Class

****This story is a story I wrote for my non-fiction writing class. This instructor told me that I was the worst writer she had ever read. She told me to even be good I would need many classes. She also informed me that I was not "SHOWING" a story but just "TELLING" a story. I started writing this at 4 AM this morning and was done at 9 AM this morning with revisions. It is not perfect yet but I find it to be good. Let me know what you think and tell me what you think and tell me what you think the main character is before the end of the story and where you surprise by the outcome. I will let the you know what I recieved on this short story and if I passed the class. ****

Elizabeth and Me
When I woke up, I found my self in front of a large set of spotlights. They warmed me with the heat created and began to feel the fade. An assemblage of people had gathered in front of me, looking at me with a discerning eye. A little girl stood in front of them all, she was wearing a crimson dress with ashen lace around the bottom of the skirt. She came closer to me and touched me with her soft velvet touch. The touch struck my heart with pangs of happiness and sadness at the same time. Her eyes seemed to be full of amazement and wonder for the first time in her life. She used her finger tracing around me and I followed her with my heart.

“What do you think your doing, Elizabeth?” Her mother said pulling her away.

“We will take it! My little girl looks like she cannot live without it. Anything for daddy’s little girl!” Her father said as he rustled his daughter’s hair and she giggles.

“Follow Me.” The older man said as he pulled them in to a room too far off in the distance for me to view.


When I awoke again, I was next to a great table with several large azure colored vases and a small box on it. This box was wooden and decorated with silver and gold inlay with a scarlet ribbon running though the design. The legs of the table were of an eccentric black metal that I have never had visions of before. The davenport was of great size and could seat many family friends. It had pin flowers in cherry and indigo colors that covered the outside and the pillow that rested there were of stripped in golden and navy hues with lace running the boarder.
The next thing I envisioned was the huge white fireplace that seem to run from the one side of the room to the other. It had large white Greek columns that supported a large mantel. The mantel had pictures running the ledge of family members I have not yet met and may never meet with each having a golden frame. A large painting above that of the beloved little girl, Elizabeth, that touched my soul, she was in a cobalt blue dress and had a wondrous smile that keeps my heart contented.
A crackling fire was burning within the fireplace and the faint scent of smoke raffled though the house. The flames of crimson, scarlet, ruby and burgundy that licked the air around, glowing bright but not as bright as the warm sun coming though the pane glass window. The window was tall with large thin panes of glass separated by boarder of a cross matched pattern. This home appeared to be in some type of recaptured Victorian style. These were the objects I would view for many year unlike where I was in the past where it things were dangerous and shadowy.


The man and woman who created me, talked about me everyday. I was their best creation yet and they hoped one day I would bring them wealth but that was not to be and they placed me in a small dark room for many years. The moths would beat themselves at me as if we were in war before I was sold away to an old man.
The smoke from the old man’s pipe would stain me as he read his books of Naval war and conquest from his comfortable chair. He dropped his hot ashes on me and that would burn my mind. After many years, only after he passed on, I was freed and repaired only to find my self in a room of smokey dealings and gunfire. I found my self in front of a bulky black desk and had fat legs. The man would call people in and it always began like this.

“So when are you going to pay me Joe?” The big man would say while smoking one his long and fat cigars.

“I will as soon as the race is over…I promise.” The other man would always say.

“I will grant you an extension, but it will cost you. Boys.” The big man would say motioning to his men who stood in the back of the room in the darkness.

I started to wonder what part of this man body was about to be loss. I took bets with myself as to what body part was going to come crashing on to me and how loud he was going to scream. I lost my heart in this place, there was nothing but pain there. I kept thinking why these people do not pay him!


I am here now in this pleasant, secure and breathtaking house. It was then that Elizabeth came through the door with her doll. A woman followed her in to the room and placed a book on the table near me. She open the small box and takes out a sewing pin. The woman’s step was full of spite and anger as she passed near me.

“You need to study. If you want to get in to a good private school, you need to know this stuff.” This woman, for whom I believe is some type of tutor for Elizabeth, shoved the book in to Elizabeths hand as her doll fell on to me.

“But Ms. Olive.” Elizabeth said in a small voice.

“You need to give up these childish things and study.” Ms. Olive picked up the doll and threw it in the fire.

“Noooo!” I wanted to scream but I without a voice.

“Noooo!” Elizabeth screamed, “Wait until Mommy and Daddy finds out!”

“Mommy and Daddy are not going to find out are they!” As Ms. Olive takes Elizabeth by the ear and uses the sewing pin to move her over to the end of the davenport and she let out a cry as she prick her with the pin.

“No…Ms. Olive. They won’t find out.” Elizabeth said reclusively.

“Good.” Ms. Olive said as she took a seat next to Elizabeth.

I did not feel as pleasant, secure and the house did not seem as breathtaking as it did only moments before. It was like every place else I had ever been before. The walls speak to me and some walls lie and others tell a history. The soft hue of blood of long wiped away speaks many words to me. Can I change anything here? There is only so much I can do but I will do my best to protect my beloved Elizabeth from this day.


Viewing out the large paned window, I could see the soft falling snow. I like snow because it seems to chill evil souls and bring angles alive. The white velvety flakes fall one on top of the other piling up building walls of their own. Walls that gain in strength and fall, combining with other failed walls building on the failure of the other.
Elizabeth sat on the floor near me in her grey and black school uniform. She had a couple of new dolls that she had set up for a tea party. I was in the middle of the tea party, sitting there like her dolls in silence but happy to be invited. Elizabeth poured each one of us some air tea and took a sip. She did not speak very much and I did not speak at all, so she and I was a perfect match. She refilled everyone’s cup and moved some of her dolls to new positions. Some sitting on me others sitting on the wood floor. It was then that snow caught her attention; she stood and walked over to the window. She place one hand on the thin glass pane and frost appeared around her small hand. Her body was warm and was fighting way the evil of the cold.

“Elizabeth, Sweetheart why don’t change out of those clothes and get on your snow suit. We will go out and play in the snow. Ms. Olive isn’t going to be here today she is stuck in the snow…That is so cute.” Her mother said as she came in the door from wherever it is that she goes all day. She looked like she was tired but wanting to spend time with Elizabeth and that made me happy. She saw the tea party on the floor and this amused her because of the cup that was placed with me.

“Honey, why did you put a cup here?” Her mother asked as she picked up the up from the floor.
“It…just felt right. It makes me happy, mom.” Elizabeth looked at me with a smile and if I could, I would hug her.
Viewing out the window again, I could see Elizabeth making snow angles in the ever building flakes of fluffy white snow and I knew then the evil had been chased away that day. Elizabeth was allowed to be a child that day and that filled my soul with good feelings.
The telephone answering machine turned on, “This is the police we want to inform you that Greta Olive has been killed in an accident, please call me here at…” The sound faded away as I fell to sleep again.


I was awakened, it was in the middle of night. A teenage looking Elizabeth was lying near me on the floor. She had a candle that lit the area in front of her as she traced my body again as she had done so long ago. She traced my soul and heart with the tips of her velvety fingers. Tracing my history with her mind, learning of the mysteries within me that were taking her on travels she never took with me. Yet, I felt she was there in those travels with me somehow because no one had ever taken an interest in me before.
Elizabeth looked down at me from above and found something that I did not know was there. She found a shard of history hidden within my body that was a shade of green and brown. She took it away and it shined in the light of the candle and she looked at it closely as if she was on an archeological dig.

“You have a history I know nothing about. You are the most wondrous and delightful creature. I am glad my father brought you home from that awful place. Mother did not want you but she could not say no when I looked so bemused by you and dad insisted on taking you home with us…You don’t say much do you?” Elizabeth said looking at all of me and my soul swelled up, this was the first time any one had ever addressed me directly.

“You are loved Elizabeth!” I wanted to say but remained silent.

“You are loved!” Elizabeth said back to me as if se heard me. If was able to cry I would. Elizabeth laid her head on me and I covered her as best as I could and we fought against the night together until I fell to sleep next to her.


I awoke and found my self outside; I was bent over a long running wire in the middle of a grassy yard. The sky was a beautiful cobalt blue that kept my attention for a few monuments before it began. It started slow but it was done deliberate and with immense force. A swoosh and then the pain of an enormous hit on my back. I was being beaten by someone and I could not see who or what it was. They were hitting me from behind and I cannot move to make them stop. I saw dust falling from my body I could envision my history being torn away with each and every hit. The droplets of dried blood from the madman and the ash from many smokey nights in rooms filled with loose men and women having their way on and near my body without my knowledge.
It was with each hit of that stick I was being born again, being shaken back to life and history being forgotten. It was no longer painful but invigorating and revitalizing to feel clean again. It was then the person came around to my side and showed himself or herself to me. It was Elizabeth and she was much older still. This time she had a grey streak in her hair and a more humbled smile. Time is passing so quickly and to me in was only a little while ago she was playing with dolls and now I do not know what interest her.

“Your color is leaving you isn’t it.” Looking at my body with introspection, “Could it be…because I just beat the color out of you! HA!” Elizabeth said as she lifted the stick above her head in a mad sort of way but laughing.

“You have made me clean again.” I would say if I could speak aloud.

Elizabeth continued to beat my body with the stick until the dust would not fall. The history could not be held with in my body anymore and I was freed by the feeling. She took me off the long running wire and held me close to her as she carried me back in to a house. For the first time I was able to touch her back and hold her, as I wanted to do for so long. It was not the same house as I had been in before, it was much smaller and I felt so welcome there for some reason. Elizabeth sat me down and I fell back to sleep right there on her floor.


It was not until many years before I would awaken again. I saw my Elizabeth now an old woman sitting in a large plush chair. She had a wonderful look in her eyes, as if she was about to take a long journey of her own. I was so happy to envision her one last time for I knew when I woke up again I would not be near my Elizabeth.
I was curled up by her swollen feet and legs. She had on a soft pair of slippers and hose. She wore a soft crimson dress with ashen lace, almost as I had seen her as a child. I was fighting time now with my Elizabeth and I hated it. I had to fight time with many people before but this time it was personal. I had some how fell in love with this one. I wanted so much to be one of their kind. To put my arms around my Elizabeth and tell her that she was going to be okay and give her life like she had done for me only in my mind yesterday. To reach out and touch her soul and bring youth back in to her and give her the love she had given me so long ago.

“Are you going to just stare at me, but of course that is what you do the best.” She looked down at me and smiled as she did when she was child in that shop.

“Of course…I love you Elizabeth.” I would have said if I could.

“It is time… you are the only memory that has stayed with me all of my life. I am so glad you have been here to help me remember the good. You remember my mother and father and because of you, I can too. I want to thank you for all that you have given me over the years. I fell in love with you, my friend.” Elizabeth said as if she heard me speak to her. It was then she stood up and laid down on me. She took her finger for the last time and traced the shapes on my body.
I could feel her warmth turn to cold as she passed away on my body. It was some time later before they came and found her there with me. I had wrapped my self around her to keep her safe until they came. They pushed me away and took her from me and if I could cry, I would but I cannot because after all this time all I ever was…was an Oriental rug.

I might still have a chance!

To get out of school here in the spring! I hope I hope! It would be the only thing that goes right this year except for my new boyfriend he is right on so many levels. Everything else sucks! LOL
I have been so sleepy the last couple of days - you know the type of sleepy you can't keep your eye's open for. The sleepy eye and body thing. :-) I wish I would feel better only a week and a half to go. YIPPY!

BLOG BLOG BLOG!

BLOG! Sometimes it sounds like something a pirate would say as he is drinking rum! Or something that floats in the toliet after being consitpated for a day or two. Or the sound you make while throwing up after a long nights drinking. Maybe even a diease with no cure! The sound of the washing machine when it is too full or the sound of the cat in the dryer. Think about you couldn't name in it DLOG - Digital Log. BLOG was the fitting name. Tell me what BLOG sounds like to you?

It didn’t happen here

It is sad to be so numb by the blood
Numb in the away the body ain’t suppose to be
Your suppose to react
Your suppose to get mad
Your suppose to grieve and hurt
Instead we look on numbed by it all
Numbed by the body being taken from the building
Numbed by the blood coming from that body
Numbed by the girl crying after it all
Numbed by dieing and death
Numbed just numbed
What has happen to our world?
What has happen to us?
What has happen?
We have been over exposed
Exposed to things no one should
Exposed to bodies, murder and violence!
The gunshot doesn’t effect or make us look on
We can talk to the reporter without feeling or tears
Children see more murders then all in the past
Games and movies with exploding heads
Exploding from the bullet fired
A bullet fired by them
Dead murdered
Gone!

Some will never forget!
Others will say it never happen to me
It doesn’t happen here in this small town in Indiana
It doesn’t happen on this little street of mine
It doesn’t happen but in the movies
It doesn’t happen but in a game
It doesn’t happen but on TV
It didn’t happen to ME.
I don’t care, ANYMORE!
I don’t care about the pain others have!
I don’t care about the bodies or the death!
I don’t care if the world has become numb to this!
I don’t care what the shooter was thinking
I don’t care why they did this
I don’t care because
I am numbed

I lied – I do care but still too numb to show it!

Snow Sonnet #1

Boxed in by snow with no where to go,
happy to see the light of the night.
Snowfall stops and machinery begins to flow,
something still isn’t right about the night.
Hearts beating and glistening ice,
slippery slope of an uneven roughness.
Something uneasy about the slice,
of uncaring knowledge of toughness.
People walk way from life everyday,
some stay away forever and disappear.
Why did I have to go this a-way?
Why did I have to dissipate?
Nocturnal night on snow.
Given the light and the glow.

Dress Code for Schools

Here is another way to put students in a box. I know people are poor but it cost more for the parent's to have to buy uniforms, that isn't qualified for free or reduced lunch, cost more then traditional school clothes. Have you seen the video for the Pink Floyd "We don't need no education!" You see the children being placed the meat grinder - is that what we want to do to our children.
You know lets all take this to the next step. No recess, chaining the children to their desk, Zero Tolerance on talking, singing and laughing, everyone has to wear the same thing, if you are overweight you are placed on a diet and made the center of adverse attention, if you have educational issues lets make a big deal as we pull you out of the classroom to learn some place else because you don't fit in the box...I can go on and on but the sad part is most of that is happening in American schools everywhere.
I have homework for you the reader - I want someone out there to look at the way the Japan does its schools! If you have ever watched an anime you would understand that there is a lot of free time within the day and yes you might work in groups but the teacher doesn't discourage free thinking. You don't have to follow everything by the rules. Yes they do have school uniforms but also those uniforms for the most part are provided to the student free of charge. I don't claim to know everything and I am not even that sure of that information but I want people to open their eyes and take a look.

PROJECT IRAQI FREEDOM?

Love is lost in this land they call Iraq
Hate is born in this land they call Iraq

Boys hands cut off stealing bread to eat
Army man is defeated by the heat in Iraq

Girl and boy in love but religion kept apart
Army child wanting his daddy from Iraq

Man with bomb around his hips blows up
Army woman sent home in parts from Iraq

No jobs or money to be found religion rules
Army Chaplin praising God in a tent in Iraq

Army woman hurting prisoners while sinning
Army woman taking pictures in Iraq

American law enforced in this bad land
‘Army of One’ posters in streets in Iraq

Woman raped in her home by religion
Army woman raped by terrorist in Iraq

‘LIVE FREE OR DIE’ Sprayed in blood
Army dieing to go home from Iraq

Stealing oil from their land
Army guarding the trucks in Iraq

Iraq people say go home please!
Army Troops multiply in Iraq

Love lost in all lands
Hate found in Iraq

People walk by me without notice and with hate in their minds

People walk by me without notice and with hate in their minds.
I feel so alone in this world of hate
Like no one cares and I know I am alone.

A world without peace or thoughtfulness.
Edging on madness and emotional weight!
People walk by me without notice and with hate in their minds.

Tragedy of the mind and forgetfulness.
To walk by a beggar of emotion and fate.
Like no one cares and I know I am alone.

Dreaming of a day of full peace knowledgeness.
No more needing to emote hate.
People walk by me without notice and with hate in their minds.

Still dreams go by and time at waters glassy edgelessness.
I need to run away to escape.
Like no one cares and I know I am alone.

Is it in my death that will free me to the weightlessness?
Will I live again to only feel the emotional weight?
People walk by me without notice and with hate in their minds.
Like no one cares and I know I am alone.

LUNCH TIME

I am sitting here at the table wondering about nothing. Nice start to a BLOG right. LOL I sitting here watching all the college student play around. I don't see one book broken open except my own. People who are not talking with others are listening to headphones - In their own world of music and words. Some are talking on cellphones and typing away at the computer. All are younger then me and I feel so left out of the loop.
I bring up the lack of books and work being done because most classes, because these students writing skills have become so bad, have gone to test and memorzing facts only to regergitate it on a test and forget it. I find it funny when I could have gone to a 4 year college they had classes that targeted a tiny subject all semester like the works of POE or the life cycle of a fly. Now you just glace over material and throw it up on some test. Most of these student have no clue what they are doing or have learned. I know I can say that because I have never done well on test and most of my past classes have been that way.
Most classes you can't take if you are at all interested - like ART DRAWING or PHOTOGRAPHY with out being in that major and most of the time it won't transfer back your major as anything. They again keep you in a box. I have over 225 credits from both colleges I have gone too. I should have my Master or higher but I am still working on my four year.
Today is not a good day for me so I am ending my rant here. Let me know what you think like aways. Have a wonderful day!

BAD SPELLING

Don't even go there okay. I am awful speller and have always been one. I am glad for spell check but this blog system has a strange spell checker. So if you can live with my mispellens (LOL) Then enjoy what I have said. I love you all and thanks for reading my Blog! Let me know what you think and feel about the things I write. If your my ex-husband then don't, because I don't care. LOL
Talk to you all tommarow or even again tonight. I love to write!!!

ADHD MY ASS

I want to let all that don't know this. Most school systems, thanks to cut backs - no child left behind - cruelity, have limited recess to once a day or less. Usually tagged into lunch time and always threaten to be taken away. How do we expect our children to sit in one place for 5 hours without losing attention. Some school systems have gone down to one 15 minute recess a week or none at all. I would love to see how many students have become "ADHD" listed in those school. We medicate our youth with pills and disapline. We are so afraid to let them be children anymore that we lock them up and make them lose imagination.
I remember when I was a kid we had 3 recesses a day. Two for 15 minutes and one for 30 to 45 minutes and sometimes an hour! We started school at 6:45 in the morning and didn't get out until 3:30...Now you are lucking to see a start time earlier then 8:30 and end time later then 2:30. I am assuming by cutting the time out they are saving money and doing away with things that make school good. You know Like ART, MUSIC, RECESS! Anything that gives children expression and emotion...Letting them out of the the box! Letting them live out their dreams. I have noticed that we have not cut PE or Sports in school. In fact they have made that bigger in the school. Two items that keep children in that box and working as a group...unless your the overweight and can't keep up.
Many school systems also don't have field trip and days where they have a subject for the day. Like on pioneer day have the children live as pioneers. Taking them outside and letting them live and learn like pioneer children, but as I found out when I was trying to become a teacher...there isn't room for that. They have to stay with the STANDARDS and can't do the fun things. You know on the days we did different things like that I learned more then I ever did sitting in that chair day after day. I have also heard that most of the HONOR's students get that type of extra stuff. What happen to letting all children have it! Even the special education kids that need it more then all the rest.
I subsituted in this one school and there wasn't any recess or time for anything extra. The kids were so disruptive that it made it impossible to teach. The other teachers were having the same problem because I asked. One teacher said, "There isn't anything you can take away anymore to make them behave! They have taken away music, art and recess. The principal says they would get in trouble for taking away PE from them. They are left with nothing so the children can do anything they want. I feel the STANDARDS have ruin teaching. I am thinking about quiting!" These are the words of a teacher that taught for 35 years at the same school. This is getting sad!
Fight for your child to have more recess, art and music. Fight for them to take class trips and days they go outside in the fresh air and learn. Fight for your child not to be falsely labeled ADHD! Fight for longer school days and higher pay for GOOD TEACHERS and LESS for BAD ONES. Let me know what you think! Thanks!

I am worried

I am out of school in a couple of weeks and I hope I pass to get out of there. I have been worried for sometime now because I was so ill at the beginning of the year. i hope someone out there will let me in the door when I get done at school. I really need someone to beleve in me. I have two other degree's - Computer Programing and Medical Assisting (both Associates) now I am working for my four year degree but that too has take twist and turns because of my health and family issues. I want America to know that teachers that are getting out of school are teaching toward standards and not teaching. This is why we have so many problems with students not knowing what they want to do when they get out of the school system. They are being trained to take test and nothing else. I came out of the school systems before that happen. These people entering college now don't know how to write papers or even think. So much for no child left behind.
I have had to change majors 3 times and now I am doing general studies with creative writing and computer science as my core. I hope to be out of there if not I am prepared to stay one more semester to get my degree. I hope to subsitute teach in the fall and do classes at night if I have too.
Indiana job market sucks and it is a employer market and not an employee market. I have got to go...Happy Easter. I didn't do anything today. Nothing to do when you have lost part of your family, I guess. Though now I hate him. Thanks for reading.