Well I Wonder!

What my ex boyfriend is doing this weekend. Not the one that I went out to get a pop with last night but that one that had a break down two weeks ago. He said that he is simple...simply lost his mind. Set is his ways....in other words selfish! Probably watching movies all weekend long. Losing himself in the movie because that is all he has anymore. He has lost everything...hold it he threw it away. He did the, "I am so depressed and I push people away." thing. I am sorry if you are telling people that they are nothing to you. You did more then push them away.
He is the main reason why I hate people now. The one before him didn't help. The one before that set my mind on the road. I realized that last night. I felt like just getting up and leaving the Arby's because he was just not my cup of tea anymore. I am suprised that he was ever my cup of tea. I don't trust him or believe a word he says. I won't be going out with him again for nothing. It was awful but I felt because I was with him for 9 years that well - I owed him the ear to listen.
I am doing okay on ebay and I am very happy about that. I found money in another account that I didn't know I had. That made my day. Thing are going better but there is still a long way to go to be at normal. I still hate people but my mother doesn't realize because of lack of outside support (Friends) I use the boyfriend as support for my confinence and well being. I am not going to date or be with any one ever again. I just don't like hearing my mother say you can't go back with someone and you don't need anyone or what not. That probably isn't what she means but after 34 years of not having a friends that has gotten too me. I know when I didn't have anyone I had money and went places and even did things but they were all by myself. No one but myself to say do you remember when all that happen and what we did. When there was never a we in my life. At least not one that stayed except for family and people wonder why I bring up things all the time that happen in the past. These are my "WE" memories and I like hearing them again.
When I was in school I lost my first "WE" when two sluts decided they wanted control of the group of boys that liked me and not in that way. I enjoyed hearing them joke about dirty stuff and talk about band stuff. When I lost them my Junior year I never got them back in anyway for form. I almost quit band because of it but because I have trouble completing thing I stayed only have the dashed when we didn't go to state finals my senior year that has caused me to never complete anything and when I do complete things it is never the way I wanted to complete them. Things in my life that no one understands or wants to understand have messed me up.
Hearing most of my life the negatives of sex didn't help either and recently I was some how freed of that and hope to keep it that way. That is all I am going to say about that because I have let it go since I got my freedom from it. No I am not a (bad spelling ahead) nepho or what ever you call a sex addict. I think I have just become normal - no longer afraid to feel good or ashmed to have an orgasum by any means. I though am starting to back track with my feelings toward people in general and probably will be right back where I was before. I hate it but you know the more I go back to the neutral me the better my future alone will be. No one wants to be with me and you know I don't want to be with them either. I am for me anymore and screw everyone else except my parents. I respect them and love them. They are my only friends and that is okay. I feel like because of them being my only friends that I have some how failed them. I am independed and have always felt like I couldn't ask others for help. They would not help me anyways - and they would turn to ask me for help with problems.
Well I am done for today and I am depressed. You have probably asked yourself why should I read these stupied blogs if you hate us. Maybe I can teach you something about yourself and you will in turn see the person you quietly make fun of and be little as human with feelings. You seek to learn more from them and get closer and stop your attacks on them just because they are different from you. It just takes one person to open the eyes of many people. It take one to say enough to make things change for that one person. If someone would have cared about the guys from VT, CHS and many other events that took place recently maybe those events wouldn't have taken place. You can only make fun of someone for so long before they snap. I would never snap now because I don't talk to the ones that make fun of me. They are nothing but garbage and if they will do that then what are the truily capable of. If we would have done something for them and not made them feel like they were breaking they law when they acted out before the big event then many things like that would never happen.
I think it is funny - When I was in third grade (1984) I took 3 very sharp chinnese stars with me to school. The kids would bring in lids from can's to throw at a board. I threw my stars at a wood board. Now we would all be arrested and expelled from school with a juvenile record to boot for having that at school. Now students are expelled for having a play gun on a key chain at school. Zero Tolerance is 100% Crazy!
I hate people - Do you wonder why?